Always thinking.

I really am. There are always a million things going through my head over a million topics...I lie awake and think endlessly. Most of us probably do. We write speeches, lectures, entire life lessons...with no one to teach them to. Most us have people, or at least someone, to talk to...but I think we all want to someone to listen to our nonsense. That's why we have journals, blogs, notebooks full of random ramblings that we would love to give away to a stranger, just to be acknowledged. Perhaps that's the beauty of the internet. Suddenly we have a voice. Suddenly there is at least a remote chance of being heard, if only by one random stranger in the world.

You might say I'm self-centered. It's possible. I think about myself a great deal of the time. I think about how I am, why I am that way...I think about who I could be, what choices I could make. Much of what I think about isn't even applicable to my life. I'm just lost in my mind, in a world of possibilities...many of them less than pleasant. Then again...I have answers, as well. There is so much I wish I could change, so much I wish I could show people. THIS is happening, don't you see it? Can't you see what is in your life?

It's hard to say what I want when I am deliberately saying nothing. Sometimes my fingers just itch to write whether it makes sense to the reader or not. After all, I write this with only the hope of one random stranger hearing my voice.

I want to walk with my scars bared to the world.

Tonight I feel alone. I feel guilty even saying that. You know I love my husband, you know I love my life...I'm tired of feeling guilty every time the emptiness creeps in. Tonight, I am lonely and depressed...and I'm allowing myself to feel like this. I worry now about things I didn't have the strength to worry about before. I worry about what people will think if I admit how I feel...I worry about the feelings I might hurt, the concern I might cause. Every one in a while I'd like to just let it out. I'd like to just have some time to feel what I need to feel and not worry about what everyone else is going to think. Funny, I look how I want, but I'm scared to feel how I want...

Sometimes...I just want to lay out my life story. I want to say 'Look at my life. See what I've done. See who I was'. I'm not sure why. I think sometimes I want someone to accept that. Not that there aren't people that have already placed those things in the past and forgiven me...but sometimes I feel as if those things are not just in my past, but are a part of me now. They are an indelible print on my being, a scar that I bury every day under a mess of color and sound...no one can see, it's covered, it's hidden. I hate that I'm scared to mention it. Is it ok to tell this person? Perhaps that's it...I want to walk around with this scar naked and bare to the world; I want to say 'Here I am. This is me. This is what I look like and who I am'. Maybe I don't even have to be accepted...I just want to feel free of what I never intended to be a secret.

Too bad there aren't words to communicate this scar. Bipolar? Manic depression...years of living in the dark. Even memories SEEM dark, like there literally was a dimmer light back then. I was miserable. I was suicidal, I hated my life and was somewhere between too strong and too weak to kill myself. There aren't words to explain that. There aren't words to explain the desperation. I did anything, anything I could just to make it stop. I did anything, things I can only spend the rest of my life regretting...things I can never allow myself to forget. Things that left deep and ugly scars right along side every emotional mark, every self inflicted wound, every word carved into skin...

I want to walk with my scars bared to the world.

Yeah, no.

I come here and stare at my 'new post' page a lot. Sometime I even type things, only to delete them. I go through phases of everything, and I have been in my 'do not write, especially to the public' phase. Welcome to my life.

Seriously though. Maybe I felt guilty, as I did my detox then basically quit my diet. I've been working on re-conforming to it and getting back on track with the exercise after my total diet breakdown though. Perhaps I wanted to get myself in check before I updated the world. Still working on it, but let's restart this mental accountability. I also was given by an acquaintance a 3 month supply of AcaiBurn. I'm going to give that a try while maintaining diet and exercise, and maybe that will give me a boost too.

In other news, I'm going to get a piercing on Friday. Just not sure what yet.

Tonight is..

I guess not every moment is meant to be filled with hope and eagerness. Ever since the last adjustment of my medication I've spent the vast majority of my time at some level of heightened energy/hypomanic/manic-ness. Then I went a few days without some meds, and now I'm...just weird. A weird night for me. Not necessarily bad...I guess it's pointless to explain. You either know or you don't.

In the meantime my puppy is a cute ball of fuzz. We went to the National Cherry Blossom Festival over the weekend, and I broke my diet for a day. I'm back on now...but yeah. Life is a little lacking in luster at this exact moment. I'll get back to you when things are all bright and shiny again.

Diet Day Six : Still Detox

I can't believe it's day six of this diet already. I may extend phase one...or just tack on a couple of the additional foods, since I could probably use some extra protein after this detox. Have a bit of chicken and a couple cans of tuna a week. I love me some tuna. Nom. Still, this is the easiest diet I've ever tried, and the only one I've stuck to for more than a day or two anyway. I've been working out too, getting a good start on a healthy lifestyle. At least I'm motivated. Since finally starting on this 'get-in-shape' journey, every look in the mirror is extra motivation. Instead of getting depressed and plopping on the couch with some 'feel-better' ice cream, I'm instead excited about how I will look later on. I can only imagine I'll be more motivated once I start seeing results. I just hope I really do manage to lose a few pounds during this detox. Even if I don't I'll keep it up...healthy eating and exercise are the keys to losing weight anyway.

In other news, one of my college classes ends tomorrow. We've got our 'final', aka exam number 3. I love non-cumulative finals. Makes life so much easier. Still, I have 3 days worth of Stats homework and an essay to do tonight as well. I really need to get on the ball with keeping up with homework. I get it done, but it might be easier if I didn't have to do it all at once.

Free Camera Giveaway!

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Springtime

Today we're going to discuss something very dear to my heart which will probably stand in stark contrast to some other things I've revealed about myself. We're going to talk about my deep love of flower gardening and bird feeding. When I was about 12, I loved it so much that my grandmother signed me up for a magazine called Birds and Blooms. To this day that is still my favorite magazine. They even printed a question I wrote in and people sent me hundreds of letters, books, and even a few birdhouses and bird feeders. I'll tell ya, gardeners are some nice people. Must have something to do with the community aspect of gardening - sharing seeds, bulbs, and starter plants.

I don't have a garden of my own right now. I wish I did. The springtime makes me itch horrible to get out there, dig in the dirt, plant some flowers and feed some birds. My neighbors all have gardens...at least I can look at theirs. Maybe I'll the chance to do something this summer, we'll see.

Diet Day Two : Detox

Today has been a busy day, but as far as diets go this one seems pretty easy. I started my day with a small grape bunch and an orange. Lunch was a small bowl of leftover eggplant chili (I could eat that all week!). At about 4 I had a plate of broccoli and baby carrots dipped in a just a bit of low-fat ranch dressing, and I had another bunch of grapes on my break. I'm feeling a little peckish right now but I don't want to eat too close to bed...I'm craving some more of that chili. That is some good stuff right there.

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

My husband is pretty excited about this movie. I am too, but he's the one that got started. In fact, after checking out the trailer a few times (not to mention checking out the super cute Mary Elizabeth Winstead i.e. Ramona Flowers) he decided to look into its background. Turns out the movie is based on a comic...a pretty good comic. We've just read volume one so far, but it's a fun read. Quick, easy, and entertaining. Now I just need to decide how I'd look with Ramona's hair.

Check out the movie trailer.

Diet Day One: Detox

This is not primarily a diet blog, I just need someone to hold me accountable. Since I don't have a diet buddy, I'm making you, my imaginary audience, my accountability partner. Today has been a breeze so far. I woke up and had a banana and orange before work. I'm not going to lie, there is one point at which I am breaking this diet, and that is to drink coffee during detox. I just don't have the time and patience to start a diet AND go through caffeine withdraw. I followed with a spinach, roma tomato, and broccoli salad with a bit of low-fat ranch dressing for lunch. Afternoon snack was an orange and a handful of frozen grapes. Dinner I am particularly proud of.

For dinner I made a delicious eggplant chili. The recipe was quick and easy, and I was able to modify it to account for my own chili preferences. I'll post the recipe I used myself.

Eggplant Chili

6 tablespoons olive oil
unpeeled medium eggplant, cut into 1/2-inch cubes
1 cup onion, yellow; coarsely chopped
2 garlic cloves; crushed
2 cup hot salsa
1 tablespoons chili powder
1 1/2 teaspoons oregano; dried
1 1/2 teaspoons parsley; dried
salt and pepper to taste
1 large can chili beans
1 regular can kidney beans (light or dark) rinsed

Heat olive in a large skillet. Add eggplant, onion, and garlic. Sauté 10 minutes until softened.

Transfer to a saucepan and add salsa, chili powder, oregano, parsley, salt and pepper. Cook over low heat, uncovered, for 10 minutes. Stir in beans and cook 10 minutes more on low heat. Adjust seasonings to taste.

Fat Smash Diet

I'm tired of being borderline obese. Seriously, I know I've gained some weight, but my BMI says I'm .9 away from obesity. That hits me where it hurts...my pride! So yeah...today was the first day my husband and I hit the gym together. I only burned about 200 calories, but the way I see it that's 200 more than I would have burned otherwise. You have to take the little victories or you'll never get anywhere.

That said, I am now announcing that it is official Fat Smash Diet Eve. That's right boys and girls, tomorrow I am hitting the fat smash diet and I am hitting it hard. I've stocked up my fridge and freezer with all kinds of fresh goodies. I'm currently trying to throw together some recipes/meal plans so that I'm not staring into the fridge starving and end up throwing out my diet just because I'm too hungry to figure out a meal.

Tomorrow I work at 7:30. I'm trying to decide if I should start out strong with a real breakfast or if I should grab some fruit and go. Probably do the fruit thing, since I like to sleep every little bit I can. Lunch will be a salad...mmm...have to throw in some sort of little snack in between meals, one will definitely be carrot sticks with just a wee bit of low-fat ranch dressing. Dinner...hmm...perhaps I'll dive right in with the eggplant chili. We'll see what happens. Gotta weigh in first thing in the morning, then no more weighing til the morning of day 10. Eek!

Hi, I'm an addict named...

For the first time in more than a year and a half I ventured into a NA meeting last night. What a strong impression that circle of chairs still leaves on me. I get filled with a nervous energy, tense with the question of whether or not I'll speak. "Hi, I'm an addict named..." I looked around at the faces and wondered who had used that day, even right before they came in to the meeting. Who had fallen off the wagon. It's a welcoming group if you ever attend the meeting. People who the outside world wrongly consider to be the scum of the earth tend to be very welcoming to others, especially those who have also been ostracized.

I've never been quite comfortable there myself though. Funny how in a place like that I could still feel out of place, but I do. The people there are in a life and death struggle for their lives with their addictions. I am not. I struggle with the disorders that in turn cause the addictions, but drugs themselves would never be my end. I tried for a long time to lie myself into believing I was an addict; that's what I was supposed to do. If I said I wasn't, well obviously I was just in denial...but no, that's just not how it was. It's not how it is, and I can never feel part of a group with which I share so little in common. I don't need their twelves steps, not to get by each day.

It was an interesting experience after going so long without a meeting. It definitely threw me for a bit of a loop in my mind, but I'm pulling it together now. If nothing else, I learned that I don't need that kind of thing in my life.

Farmville, really?

I work from my computer all day long, and I generally have some down time. For some reason I can't seem to spend that time doing homework so instead I normally play a million and a half facebook games. Yes, I admit it. I'm a farmville whore. Shame on me for flooding your newsfeed with my endless postings asking for gifts and giving out random things I find on my farm. You know, you could just block the application. People act like that is so hard. "Oh gosh, I was so tired of all those game posts I finally had to block the application from my feed." Really? You mean you had to hover next to the link and press 'block application'? I'm so sorry to cause you so much trouble. And yeah, that right there might be one of the cooler farmville dwellers.

In other news, my husband has recently returned to his WoW life. I'm a fan myself but I'm more of a solo gamer. Teamwork is a little beyond my controlling nature and need to do things my own way. I'm stubborn, what can I say? Therefore I've always been a bit more attached to games like Diablo (or Diablo II, since it was way more awesome imo). I got excited when I heard about Diablo III but I've lost track of it's progress towards release. I'm hoping come summertime when I'm out of school I'll actually have time to play something. I haven't touched a thing beyond random internet games in ages. Pretty sure the last thing I did was finally get around to finishing FFIX in December. Long live Vivi!

Alright then, day two.

It's got to be a little odd to be writing to no one. When I was an angsty teenager, I used to keep an online journal that was a bit of a vent for me. "Private" thoughts that I got a little affirmation for by putting them out in front of other angsty teenagers.

Apparently angsty is not a word. Fear not angsty, I like you anyway.

Regardless, now I feel as if I'm writing for an audience...only the audience as of yet does not exist. Hello invisible readers! Is that an echo of empty space I hear? I know this blog won't become popular because I have nothing to offer to readers except my own quirky personality. I'm not devoted enough to any one hobby or discipline to have a main topic for this blog. So, if anyone reads this...I just feel so dang special. I must be a tiny bit interesting after all.

Why seawater?

Well, because I want to. There's nothing like a bit of seawater to refresh you. Not to mention it tastes terrible and will make your eyes sting if you open them up underwater. Life is a bit like seawater I think.

Thus, with that said, do we begin our journey. Will I be a dedicated blogger? We'll see. Will I have hordes of fans that worship every little word I type? Yeah, no, probably not. That's ok. I like to read myself type anyway. (Interesting, that just does not work the same, does it?)