Lost at sea.

Always thinking.

I really am. There are always a million things going through my head over a million topics...I lie awake and think endlessly. Most of us probably do. We write speeches, lectures, entire life lessons...with no one to teach them to. Most us have people, or at least someone, to talk to...but I think we all want to someone to listen to our nonsense. That's why we have journals, blogs, notebooks full of random ramblings that we would love to give away to a stranger, just to be acknowledged. Perhaps that's the beauty of the internet. Suddenly we have a voice. Suddenly there is at least a remote chance of being heard, if only by one random stranger in the world.

You might say I'm self-centered. It's possible. I think about myself a great deal of the time. I think about how I am, why I am that way...I think about who I could be, what choices I could make. Much of what I think about isn't even applicable to my life. I'm just lost in my mind, in a world of possibilities...many of them less than pleasant. Then again...I have answers, as well. There is so much I wish I could change, so much I wish I could show people. THIS is happening, don't you see it? Can't you see what is in your life?

It's hard to say what I want when I am deliberately saying nothing. Sometimes my fingers just itch to write whether it makes sense to the reader or not. After all, I write this with only the hope of one random stranger hearing my voice.

I want to walk with my scars bared to the world.

Tonight I feel alone. I feel guilty even saying that. You know I love my husband, you know I love my life...I'm tired of feeling guilty every time the emptiness creeps in. Tonight, I am lonely and depressed...and I'm allowing myself to feel like this. I worry now about things I didn't have the strength to worry about before. I worry about what people will think if I admit how I feel...I worry about the feelings I might hurt, the concern I might cause. Every one in a while I'd like to just let it out. I'd like to just have some time to feel what I need to feel and not worry about what everyone else is going to think. Funny, I look how I want, but I'm scared to feel how I want...

Sometimes...I just want to lay out my life story. I want to say 'Look at my life. See what I've done. See who I was'. I'm not sure why. I think sometimes I want someone to accept that. Not that there aren't people that have already placed those things in the past and forgiven me...but sometimes I feel as if those things are not just in my past, but are a part of me now. They are an indelible print on my being, a scar that I bury every day under a mess of color and sound...no one can see, it's covered, it's hidden. I hate that I'm scared to mention it. Is it ok to tell this person? Perhaps that's it...I want to walk around with this scar naked and bare to the world; I want to say 'Here I am. This is me. This is what I look like and who I am'. Maybe I don't even have to be accepted...I just want to feel free of what I never intended to be a secret.

Too bad there aren't words to communicate this scar. Bipolar? Manic depression...years of living in the dark. Even memories SEEM dark, like there literally was a dimmer light back then. I was miserable. I was suicidal, I hated my life and was somewhere between too strong and too weak to kill myself. There aren't words to explain that. There aren't words to explain the desperation. I did anything, anything I could just to make it stop. I did anything, things I can only spend the rest of my life regretting...things I can never allow myself to forget. Things that left deep and ugly scars right along side every emotional mark, every self inflicted wound, every word carved into skin...

I want to walk with my scars bared to the world.

Yeah, no.

I come here and stare at my 'new post' page a lot. Sometime I even type things, only to delete them. I go through phases of everything, and I have been in my 'do not write, especially to the public' phase. Welcome to my life.

Seriously though. Maybe I felt guilty, as I did my detox then basically quit my diet. I've been working on re-conforming to it and getting back on track with the exercise after my total diet breakdown though. Perhaps I wanted to get myself in check before I updated the world. Still working on it, but let's restart this mental accountability. I also was given by an acquaintance a 3 month supply of AcaiBurn. I'm going to give that a try while maintaining diet and exercise, and maybe that will give me a boost too.

In other news, I'm going to get a piercing on Friday. Just not sure what yet.

Tonight is..

I guess not every moment is meant to be filled with hope and eagerness. Ever since the last adjustment of my medication I've spent the vast majority of my time at some level of heightened energy/hypomanic/manic-ness. Then I went a few days without some meds, and now I'm...just weird. A weird night for me. Not necessarily bad...I guess it's pointless to explain. You either know or you don't.

In the meantime my puppy is a cute ball of fuzz. We went to the National Cherry Blossom Festival over the weekend, and I broke my diet for a day. I'm back on now...but yeah. Life is a little lacking in luster at this exact moment. I'll get back to you when things are all bright and shiny again.

Diet Day Six : Still Detox

I can't believe it's day six of this diet already. I may extend phase one...or just tack on a couple of the additional foods, since I could probably use some extra protein after this detox. Have a bit of chicken and a couple cans of tuna a week. I love me some tuna. Nom. Still, this is the easiest diet I've ever tried, and the only one I've stuck to for more than a day or two anyway. I've been working out too, getting a good start on a healthy lifestyle. At least I'm motivated. Since finally starting on this 'get-in-shape' journey, every look in the mirror is extra motivation. Instead of getting depressed and plopping on the couch with some 'feel-better' ice cream, I'm instead excited about how I will look later on. I can only imagine I'll be more motivated once I start seeing results. I just hope I really do manage to lose a few pounds during this detox. Even if I don't I'll keep it up...healthy eating and exercise are the keys to losing weight anyway.

In other news, one of my college classes ends tomorrow. We've got our 'final', aka exam number 3. I love non-cumulative finals. Makes life so much easier. Still, I have 3 days worth of Stats homework and an essay to do tonight as well. I really need to get on the ball with keeping up with homework. I get it done, but it might be easier if I didn't have to do it all at once.

Free Camera Giveaway!

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Springtime

Today we're going to discuss something very dear to my heart which will probably stand in stark contrast to some other things I've revealed about myself. We're going to talk about my deep love of flower gardening and bird feeding. When I was about 12, I loved it so much that my grandmother signed me up for a magazine called Birds and Blooms. To this day that is still my favorite magazine. They even printed a question I wrote in and people sent me hundreds of letters, books, and even a few birdhouses and bird feeders. I'll tell ya, gardeners are some nice people. Must have something to do with the community aspect of gardening - sharing seeds, bulbs, and starter plants.

I don't have a garden of my own right now. I wish I did. The springtime makes me itch horrible to get out there, dig in the dirt, plant some flowers and feed some birds. My neighbors all have gardens...at least I can look at theirs. Maybe I'll the chance to do something this summer, we'll see.

Diet Day Two : Detox

Today has been a busy day, but as far as diets go this one seems pretty easy. I started my day with a small grape bunch and an orange. Lunch was a small bowl of leftover eggplant chili (I could eat that all week!). At about 4 I had a plate of broccoli and baby carrots dipped in a just a bit of low-fat ranch dressing, and I had another bunch of grapes on my break. I'm feeling a little peckish right now but I don't want to eat too close to bed...I'm craving some more of that chili. That is some good stuff right there.

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

My husband is pretty excited about this movie. I am too, but he's the one that got started. In fact, after checking out the trailer a few times (not to mention checking out the super cute Mary Elizabeth Winstead i.e. Ramona Flowers) he decided to look into its background. Turns out the movie is based on a comic...a pretty good comic. We've just read volume one so far, but it's a fun read. Quick, easy, and entertaining. Now I just need to decide how I'd look with Ramona's hair.

Check out the movie trailer.